It has been a long time since I have posted, mostly because opening myself enough to write hurts too much. It hurts a lot, actually. Since my last update in August, my Mom improved. The roller coaster continued, as we thought she had maybe 6 months to live. It turns she had until November. The 22nd, to be exact. I was there for her last two weeks, and for the week after. It was agonizing and a blessing at the same time. A blessing to be with so many dear ones, to be with her, for those last precious days. But agonizing to watch my beautiful, wonderful mother waste away and die. Maybe someday I will write more of the memories that haunt me. But right now I struggle to keep them buried. Because letting them out rips my heart up. So we try to focus on the happy memories. Because the specter of cancer changed our lives. When our family was whole.
Here are a couple of poems, the only real writing I have been able to manage in months. The first I wrote in October, when we knew that Mom’s Homecoming was approaching soon. The second I wrote a couple of weeks ago.
Mommy’s Going Home
I started this on October 26 and finished it today.
My mommy’s going home soon,
Though we pray for her to stay.
I beg God o’er and over
But have yet to see the way
To her staying.
Our hearts feel ever broken
Yet we haven’t said goodby.
It’s the dread of coming sorrow
That, though bury it we try,
As the fog obscures the daylight,
So this grief coats any joy
With a ling’ring sense of nightmare
That no laughter can alloy
Or make better.
“This too shall pass,” my mind says
But my heart defies such thought.
Still the Comforter is present
And ’tis good what God hath wrought
And for our good.
Look down and see Thy child in tears,
From grief and pain, some doubts and fears,
As somewhere near the devil jeers
And time plods dully on.
Thou sorrowed also long ago
With depth of grief that I can’t know,
As Thy Son’s head was beaten low
By vessels of Thy wrath.
Did Thy heart scream in tune with mine
When heart’s beat ceased with life’s decline
In that one who, by Love’s design,
Was dear beyond belief?
The hole there in my heart remains,
Surprising me with unsought gains
Of territory or of chains
That still bind me in anguish.
Yet Thou gave hope to we who weep,
For even those who fell asleep
Shall rise one day, for Thou shall reap
All souls on that great day.
They’ll rise again, for He rose first
And conquered death for we, the cursed,
As Sun again touched those whose thirst
For joy seemed lost in night.
Yes, Hope burst forth and entered in,
From there to reach for us, His kin,
By Love and Blood brought well within
That rest beyond the veil.
Such gifts of good Thou gives to me,
If only I’ll wait patiently,
For pain will pass and Thee still be
There gently holding all.